Do you ever feel that you wanna say so many things, even too many, but you think that words are not important anymore, then keep them unspoken is your way?
Do you ever feel that all around you are moving, but you feel stuck in the spot you are standing?
Do you ever feel you don’t wanna do anything except enjoy the loneliness…being alone and isolated..?
Do you ever feel that anything you have, anything in front you, inside you, even all over world, are not important anymore…?
To be honest, I’m in that stage. I don’t know when it started and when it will end up, but strangely i don’t wanna lose such feeling.
Painful yet beautiful!!!
I know its gonna be difficult to understand, but you will… when you see me personally, see into my eyes deeply…that in every smile I have, there is a huge tide inside my heart that is not everyone could understand.
Then came a day I arrived at Kuala Lumpur. Big luck for me coz soon after knowing that I will be in KL, I contacted my dear T18 mommy group, Ezri, and she said she will meet me up on Nov 14, 7 p.m. in the hotel i am staying.
To be honest, every time I meet T18 mommies, I can’t hide my feeling. I am sooo exciting. But at the same time I reach them, hug each other, I lose my words. All the words. It suddenly changed to the feeling, such an indefinably heartbroken feeling. Then our eyes will be watery when gazing each other. I, personally will always feel amazed to my beloved T8 mommy sister, as I feel her life journey was beyond amazing. Yes… for sure…!!
Can you imagine that you had, faced, period of moment in your life that you think you cannot pass? Every burden that you can’t lift it up? But you had to. No choice. And came into the hardest period, losing someone!! Even you know that you have prepared your heart, second by second [not enough day by day] that someone you are taking care will go… but how can you prepare it? How can a mother prepare her heart to lose her daughter or son?
Ezri and her husband, Muhaimin met me up at the hotel. I hug her tight as if I hug myself. I found myself, my story in her. Bittersweet amazing story we had, really unites us, the trisomy 18 mommies.
Painful yet Beautiful!!! Those two words we agreed to determine our feeling. Well, even we lost our daughters, we don’t wanna lose those words inside us. All the memory with Marvella and Zarifa, our precious angels, are too astonishing. Those little angels made us meet each other in same feeling. And words are not important anymore. Simply, all are beyond.
We spent a precious evening dinner [well, food is just the spice hehe, but not the main menu]. Our story is the main menu, the main course that we really enjoyed.
Having days with Trisomy 18 kids are never easy. Either they still with us in the world or they have gone back to heaven. And we are just lucky persons to have both. Well, up to 3 hours spending with really full stories are never enough.
What I really feel happy is receiving a book of Zarifa’s life story “28 HARI DI NICU”, directly from them. Start to read with prolog after I arrived at my room, my heart was soo heavy, and again, my eyes were watery, so I said to Ezri ,”I will read your book at home, dear”. I know it’s not easy even to read, but I do know I will enjoy every single word written there. I will dive in every sentence as I dive my own story in it.
Above all, we are really thankful that we are chosen to have special daughters and beautiful angels in heaven.
Painful, yet beautiful.
You will see it when you see eyes to eyes into us.