I feel like inside a very dark room,
couldn’t see anything even though just next to me,
I got fever every time and nothing could soothe me,
I feel all my bones got broken so I couldn’t get up in every morning,
I feel my stomach burned but still I wanna eat all of things uncontrollably
Got crazy coz of hectic unstructured jobs that come over me in various faces at the same time, collides one to another and made me really become nothing. And crazier thing is, probably only me felt such a mess world. I feel very stupid why I could not take them easy. On the contrary, I thought why other people could do their best own way but I am caught in a panic room?
Well, to be honest, I wanna give up in this situation. But how can I? I often feel this is not really me… I saw another world that makes me smile or eager to spend whole time with. But do I have pieces of courage to move there? Or, it just my feeling to escape that is not real me?
I am not very young to be confused by a choice to be one who I really want in the future. I have a son, I have responsibility. But in my messy world, I often lose myself. I need much spare time with myself. I miss me, my real me… like I miss my angel Vella. And, well, thank God, I still have this, my diary.
I need to see, to find a beauty in me, in my life. I need to talk with me. I need to write for me. But I can’t deny the reality, I have to dedicate my life to my family.
Yes, dedication, devotion…
And I ask God and universe to guide me, lead me to remind me coming always into the essence of awareness…. devotion of life….
And no matter what,
though life seemed very hard,
I have to dedicate, devote myself, to celebrate life…
Keep moving, keep learning…
Nothing wrong with my feeling, though I feel it isn’t right….
Love will guide me the way…
Thank God for loving me…and always give me time to learn…. Teach me to give my all of life to be loved by You!!
Gud morning myself, this is your new page of life. Keep moving and don’t worry, you are in a safe way.