Colors of the wind

Yes, exactly, that is a title of song. A song that really hold my heart today, or lately. I am thankful that I have this blog to write what I feel, as my diary. Most of the time I am full of thoughts bouncing around in my head, and gratefully, with all words in my hand, the world just gets kinda quiet..

The song [from Pocahontas, Disney Movie] really touched my heart and fill my head.

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains

Can you paint with all the colors of the wind
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind

A song written by Alan Menken and Stephen Laurence Schwartz, published by Walt Diseney Music Company

Then bring me all memories that I thought it was a dream, but it was not. Two years ago, when I delivered a baby girl with trisomy 18 on the way to hospital, yeah in our car, battled aginst time, and she didnot cry at the first time she saw the world. I still often watched what happened to us like a movie screened in front of me. Then during all 45 days we spent in NICU, with all heartbreaking days… I do still feel it. She got heart failure, so then she got her breathing tube, got intubated, and I saw her cried with tears [thats my first time I saw her tears..] It was a nightmare for me, till God showed me another soul adventure I had to conceive in days during her 7 months 7 days. I fought against myself, and I failed. I lost.

Then finally, without a sign, without a message, she gained her wing in the way I never knew, I never predicted, even I didnt see her went back to heaven. Yaa, she flew to heaven with nobody beside her. She never said goodbye. Its too painful. Not because of her nor her journey. But because I failed to recognize her as a true angel from heaven. I questioned why it happened to me, insisted, demanded her too much to be healthy instead of accepting her, instead of loving her as she was….

I was a heartbroken mother, not because of her, but because of myself.

Well, life must go on. I have to continue my life with whatever my guilty feeling. This is me, and she have already changed me to the new one that I didnt notice before. Now, I enjoy my staying alone, myself time, in the silence. I enjoy my grief, I enjoy my sadness with all unbearable and undescribable feeling… I enjoy my broken heart, because deep inside those feeling, I really found a pearl sparkling all the time, the unconditional love. God loves me, not because of who I am, but because He has already loved me since He pictured me. Then, this beautiful song really bring me to her….

Something too sharp stabbed my heart…. not only once I couldnot explain the feeling…. I am dying but I am really happy with that. I became a stranger for myself and I am totally okay with that.

I had jorneys to many places, but my journey to my memories with her is the richest, the most beautiful one I have, and one that I will always have, to be constantly repeated.. as my heart wish for that. The beauty of misery…

Then let me sing this song in my silent mind, and bring back all memories that I called them beautiful now…. Let me cry with myself, as my tears will never dry. No, I am not suffered from grief anymore, I am alright but how could I explain what I feel, sorry….

yeah, what I need now is to paint all with the colors of the wind…

yeah, I should paint all with the colors of the wind

I miss you, Marvella….

a litle too much

a lttle too often

a little too more, day by day

You think you own whatever land you land on
The Earth is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature

Has a life, has a spirit, has a name

You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You’ll learn things you never knew, you never knew

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains

Can you paint with all the colors of the wind
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind

Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest
Come taste the sun sweet berries of the Earth
Come roll in all the riches all around you
And for once, never wonder what they’re worth

The rainstorm and the river are my brothers
The heron and the otter are my friends
And we are all connected to each other
In a circle, in a hoop that never ends

How high will the sycamore grow
If you cut it down, then you’ll never know
And you’ll never hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
For whether we are white or copper skinned
We need to sing with all the voices of the mountains
We need to paint with all the colors of the wind

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love you to the moon and back…mommy

Me today, 25 July 2016

I felt completely messy today. Feel in despair with anything which seems does not go right in my life. Feel really incompetent with all my responsibility, all my role, at work and at home, that I could not accomplish them in a very good way, as I wish. I felt entirely failed. I could not manage my time and energy to do all my responsibility as I promised to do. I am not supposed to be a failure but look, what happened with me now?

I felt so complicated with all my dreams. Felt as I failed to manage all in my heads together. I felt worried of my upcoming days, discouraged by all my uncontrollable mind. I got so fearful of many things in my life.

Well, it happens to me sometimes. This evening I submitted something, and I cried after that. I felt so confused. Really dunno what should I decide. But I keep pushing the sending button.

Yes, I am in a depth of hopeless. Feel I am a looser.

Well, seems it doesnt make sense, after those broken-hearted feeling, then I cried to God. But to whom, I can rely on?

He the one who counts my tears. He knows i m really desperate. Feel scared of my days ahead. Well, its unfair to ask him taking his responsibility to lift me up after all messy feeling. But, to whom I could ask? So I cried to Him… I know I am weak. I am a looser. But He the one who always saved me, saved my soul, saved my life, always took me home. He is the one who always chooses me to be His own.

Well, I know I am nothing. And in such situation, I feel I can really feel He is here. And say, Ani, whoever you are, I love you… I have been loving you and I will always do.

I know, I lost myself, but in this way, I felt Him hug me. I dont deserve His Love, but still He is there, loving me….

 

Muangboran Ancient City Gallery_Time for Self Encounter

Thank God for every second He gives in my life.  Thank God for the loneliness and difficult times I had. Thank God that I am not perfect to live my life. For every mistake I made, He brought me back His way. He gave me hope through His mercy and said everything’s gonna be alright. Life is hard and I chose the wrong way, but He took me home, always. Who I am? I am blessed, I am loved. Thank God for always reminding me, to reflect the love I received, to share about life and love, to restart my day and keep walking whatever hard the moment is, for I am never been alone.

And if there is a thing I could ask for, that is a wisdom….

Thank God for every journey…

Thank God for bringing me learning…

And below are the beauty of arts and cultures we will enjoy in Muangboran Ancient City of Bangkok, Thailand. There I encountered myself through the reflection of temples by the water..

Well, Thanks God for today…

Ichigo Ichie

One day, I visited my Japanese friend’s house. It was in Nagano Prefecture. I had a very nice moment there, had a very gud time with her parents. I remembered, after having breakfast, we had cup of coffee under a big tree and each of us reading a book. Full oxygen from tree, golden time with books… what a heaven…

There they taught me one Japanese phrase, sounded nice in my ears, Ichigo Ichie, one encounter, one chance. Every encounter with someone, even a friend whom we see often, should be treated as if it were one in a lifetime occurrence. It often bring us to the next chance… Yaaa, one occurence, one treasure. I do believe that. So, that is one of my favorite phrases I kept in my mind.

And recently it happened. I met Nicha, cute Thai girl, in Japan. First time we met, we were invited by our sensei [teacher], to have a visit Iwate Prefecture. Well, long-short story, we had a very gud time, in Onsen [Japanese public bath] together, shared life, had nice work and never missed excellent meals for sure…. Aaaa… we visited a Tree of Hope as the pict below…

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Then, now, when I am in Bangkok and told her that I am here, she kindly met me with her family, mama and her twin, Nicharee… Omg, both of them are very nice lively girls.. They invited me to have nice dinner in Vietnam-Thai restaurant which they used to work for a partime job. And also their super-woman, multi-talented person, mommy. Happy to see you all…

Again, shared stories… yess, they speak English very well, so…stories of us flow like a clear stream.. Nicha, thank you so much, you know very well I couldn’t live without vegetable lol, so you chose wonderful dishes for me. And for all of you, mommy, nicha, nicharee, thank you so much for your kind hospitality and heart-warming welcome. Let’s next meet in Jogja…

Well, let’s enjoy our beautiful moments we have…. Ichigo Ichie…

If I didn’t meet Nicha in Japan, If we didn’t have gud time at that moment, then our encounter in Bangkok wouldn’t have happened… It was Saturday night, July 16, 2016. Aaa… thanks for also bringing me to the Thai night market.. great experience…

And on Monday and Tuesday, I also met new people and made a new experience with them. On July 18th, 2016, a Thai friend of my friend named Kae, kindly brought me to some amazing spots in central Bangkok. And amazingly, she speaks both English and Japanese [and actually Korean] very well, so you know, it’s kinda a Japan-graduated reunion, hehe…. We shared parts of life, during our trip [bcoz we used public bus, so fortunately we had lots of time to share..]. As she is also an horticulturist and gud at history, hmm.. our day was really perfect by exploring Wat Po [one of Buddhist temples with  46 m long reclining Buddha statue] and fruits-flowers wholesale market.

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46 m long reclining Buddha

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Again, Ichigo Ichie, for I believe, our next meet will also be in Jogja, my lovely city. Eka, Kae, my globalized ladies, you deserve many thanks dear… kokoro kara hontou ni arigatou gozaimashita… Jogja ni mattemasu ne…

Then the following day, well, thanks God, I’m really lucky person. I met some important persons, from KMUTT  Thai, Univ of Phillippines [Dr. Emma] and also from USA. The  professors of KMUTT invited us to visit Muangboran Ancient City, a place for preserving Siamese true heritage. Really worth to visit in Thailand. As I like history, culture and arts very much, it’s one of must be visited place for me. You know what? Both Wat Po and Muangboran seem invited me to do a meditation there, to have silent-peaceful mind and heart in purifying myself, to connect to God and His amazing creature, moreover to talk to myself, my mind, my heart.

Well, please check some galleries [later in other posts] I specially make in thankfulness of my ichigo ichie this week… You can go beyond my words whenever see them, and together we will find the peaceful message of universe… Let the universe and people hearts to be peace….. God bless us..

Don’t forget, Ichigo Ichie…

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Sailing in a boat of life….

Row, row the boat gently down the stream; Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily; Life is but a dream…

My son and I frequently sing that simple song. Looks simple but it’s so true. Life is but a dream for me. A bunch of surprises, sometimes have no choice to like or dislike..just sailing down a river or even a sea. In odd moments, with no life jacket, yeaahh sounds crazy, but it could happen.. Oftentimes we simply have to pick one, take it or leave it. Difficult? Its very. But once we take a chance to be on boat, then no other option. Try to be merry and keep being aware of what are around us, and also in which dock we should get off, otherwise we will pass it unconsciously. But even though we get off at the wrong dock, its also no problem. Ya, coz every journey has its own adventure, for another surprise, another lesson…. But I know for sure, it’s not as simple as I said… I had many times sunk in my boat…

Two years ago I delivered a very special need baby with a chromosomal disorder called Trisomy 18. Somehow it brought me to where I am now, who is mentally [main part] different. Ya, she changed me a lot. I called it a life metamorphosis.  However, I’m still on progress of it, which I believe during my lifetime [including to be more patient…;)]

And in these two months, I was sailing down different rivers, different countries. Yeah, different journeys. It’s a kinda time for meeting myself up, not only looked at what I could see by naked eyes, but also a time to soothe my own, a contemplative moment to bring me back in thankfulness of each moment I have.

I found this perspective during sailed along Amstel River, one day in June [2016] and Chao Phraya River on another day in July [2016]. Hehe, nice sailing isn’t it?

Well, I could see view around each of theam was different, but both were amazing. Each has it’s own beauty. Let me share some picts here…

The Amstel River is the main river in The Netherlands which run through a city of Amsterdam. We will see the nice unique architectures along the river. Then see everybody there, enjoy walking down Damrak, the avenue lies between Amsterdam Central in the north and Dam Square in the south. Then our group took a cruise trip sailing along the river and… singing along [in my heart though ;)]…row row the boat…..la la la la… 😉

Looked at other people being cheerful having their boat parties, saw some museum buildings, bridges and for sure enjoyed my own journey itself.

And below are the views when a Thai friend of mine invited me to take a boat trip rowing along the Chao Phraya, the main river in Bangkok, Thailand. I saw mixed of modern architectures and Buddhist temples which were soon obviously noticed.

Hmm, actually I just feel funny, because I shared my experience in foreign countries, but not yet about adventure in my country’s rivers. Well, I hope having a gud chance to sail along them then share the story here, hehe…

However, this is my life journey, my surprises. Never imagined before that I could experience in sailing there. So, I took the chance, be merry and… here I am.

Suddenly it’s heard a song from Jimmy Buffet,

Shell sinks, dream float

Life’s good in our boat…

Happy sailing in a boat of life, dear friends…

Many thanks to my sister Eka [Jakarta] and Kae [Bangkok]. You made it for me girls…

You came too far, Salted Eggs….

came a short message…

“Are u in your office? May I come to see you…?”

“aaaah, sorryyy… I am in Bangkok now. What’s matter?”

“Nop, I just brought you salted eggs from my town. I have just arrived from hometown after Eid Mubarak.”

“What??? Omg… how nice…. well, okayy….Let my hubby take them from you, okaaayyy….?”

Then here you are, the salted eggs, came from Brebes, north part of Central Java, to Jogjakarta [south part]. Well, it is 252.8 km far away from google map. But can you imagine? Eid Mubarak is the biggest moment that most Indonesian people go home to see family and spend special moments with them. And  can you imagine…. my friend got extremely severe traffic jump from Brebes when he went back to Jogja, the place he studied. So that is the same story with those salted eggs. I don’t know how long he spent time for the traffic jump, but probably normally it took 6 hour. Might be doubled, or may be 10 h? And he went by motorcycle. 10 hours? motorcycle? Yes, why not? It happened… Then I said,

Then I said,

“Omg….its so heart-touching? How come you remember me and bring the salted eggs for me?”

“I remember Brian..”, he replied.

Well, looks something not really big thing, but it’s so special for me.. the attention to my family…. That’s the great thing!

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Well, the story of those salted eggs actually just a smal part of a strong bond between me and my volunteer teamwork of Marvella book launching. I called them The Marvelous Team. Started from 12 young people who happily work in my volunteer project, raising awareness of Trisomy 18 through book launching and talkshow. And he, the one who brought me the salted eggs, is one of them. Here we are…

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They are students of my university, Gadjah Mada Univ in Yogyakarta. We first met when we have a community service together for horticultural farmers in a montenous village close to Selamet Mountain, Purbalingga Regency, Central Java. Then, when I informed that I have my own project, they kindly joined.

Yes, I am really a lucky person to have them. They are creative, smart and nice persons, worked totally for the best performance of 3 times live talkshow in different time and places. They created all decorations for photos exhibitions, all leaflets, posters, backdrop design, even our Marvella T-shirt design and making, creating Marvella’s video in youtube, [you can simply click on it], moreover give me emotional support during the program. They came to my house twice a week, till late night, to discuss and prepare anything. Well, you see…. how the worked professionally…

And this is the latest talkshow we have to celebrate Kartini [Indonesian Woman Emancipation hero] this year [April 21, 2016].

13076872_10207546861003550_8556326453621446318_n.jpgWell, I know my thankfulness is not enough for them. If there is another word instead of thank to express my gratitude, please let me know…

You did great job guys, not only for me but for all Trisomy 18 babies in Indonesia.

I wish your success and bright shine in life, every one of you.

Well, that’s the story of salted eggs that really came too far beyond….

Thank you Asep for the salted eggs and the story today came from you…

And all of you guys, really deserve many thanks, I owe you much..

Market Trips_Wageningen and Bangkok

One spot that attracted me to come whenever I am in a new place, is an open market. And I had a gud chance to enjoy traditional markets in two different places, different countries in these two months, Wageningen [The Netherlands] and Bangkok [Thailand]. And both are really interesting coz they are obviously different…

And these are beautiful display of agricultural products in Wageningen Open Market which I visited last June 2016. You know what?  I was tempted madly buying so many cheese at that time, lol… Thankfully it’s not over baggage…

And last week, I hung out in 61 Market in Thung Khru, Bangkok. It’s also very nice place to look around, especially if you love tropical fruits and traditional food. You know i love vegies and fruits very much and my eyes and senses were really spoiled there. Tomorrow [on Saturday] I will come again for sure…

The nicest thing that I love so much is, I can eat mangos, especially sour-sweet raw mangos [yaaa, for me, fruity taste should be sour-sweet taste lol], as many as I want haha…. In my country, I still have to wait for mango season that I afford to buy them, but here, my friend said mangos are for all season. Just wow…..yuhuuuuu….

mango cut

And these are how the 61 market looks like… Big, clean and nice isn’t it? And you see on the lower-right side pict? Mushrooms and sprouts are also there….

And not only for vegies are great, you can enjoy many tropical fruits and flowers as well…..

For the tropical flowers you will see orchids, jasmine and beautiful lotus…

You know, Lotus is a very important flower for Thai people as they are majority Buddhists. They called it as a sacred flower as a symbol of Buddhism, which easily found in temples, ponds, and swamps. Then I remember my childhood, my grandma always brought me those flowers because her paddy field was swampy, so there was always Lotus grew. Really beautiful flower, and I even still remember the smell… It always brings me going back to my unforgettable moments of joyful childhood.

And you know, Japanese people eat Lotus’ root? They called it rengkong. It tastes good… I like it very much, especially for tempura…. oooh, yummy… and my place, Ibaraki province is a very famous place for rengkong.

Well, for me myself, it’s a kind of small study about diversity of agricultural products and food security in one country…. Yaa, when I see various kinds of vegies in one place, I connect it with what the people there consumed. And the more types of food we have, the lower risk of hidden hunger [of micronutrition], isn’t it?  gricultural products are really valuable and proper handling on postharvest commodity will give higher adding value and help to reduce loss. Do you agree with me?

Agricultural products are really valuable and proper handling on postharvest commodity will give higher adding value and help to reduce loss. Do you agree with me?

Then, it’s really gud for me coz I am studying about postharvest handling here… Right place isn’t it?

Univ’s Shuttle Bus [Breathe the air of Bangkok_2]

Hi…..

Here I come again…

Although a traffic jam is really a common problem in many developing countries, but somehow it’s  still  good if we don’t drive for ourselves. I mean its’s less severe if there is a gud public/certain transport we can ride as passengers.  Well, it’s nice because I often feel very tired in the afternoon or evening when going home after working. I wish I could do a magic closing my eyes and at once arrive at home without facing any traffic on the way home. Riding vehicle [I ride a motorcycle] when you are tired is very dangerous, isnt’t it?

Okay, I am talking about a shuttle bus I use every day here. Yes, because the univ where I conduct my internship now doesn’t have only one campus area. I am staying in Bangmod Kampus [the main campus], and do my work in Bangkuntien Campus. Its not really far, actually, probably.. approximately about 20km? But, well, it takes about 45 minutes by the shuttle bus in the morning, and about 1 h in the evening or even more, depends on the traffic. And you can check how far they are and where are their location, in my link of Bangkuntien Campus above. There is fixed schedule during weekdays and weekend days that I have to check. IMG_0097All the member of KMUTT can get on the shuttle bus by tapping their ID/member card into the certain machine in the bus halt. Then your name will be on a screen display, and again the officer will tap our card before getting into the bus, based on the list on the screen. And for a visitor like me, they have a special card which I can use, by listing my name and passport number in their list. 20160714_072407

And near the place I stay, there is a big market, called 61  Market [probably the location is on the block no 61, Thung Khru, Bangkok]. And its nice to be there, we can enjoy sooooo many traditional food, fruits and also flowers, as well as enjoy how Thai people live. Well, I will share the story about it later, be patient okay…:D

For going there, I can easily use public transport [after crossing the street in front of my hotel]. It’s a small car which they called it kepo [hehe, i’m not sure how to pronounce though, but it’s different from saying kepo in Indonesian language lol]…. Well, actually there are various types of small public car. One they call sŏrng·tăa·ou (‘two rows’; a small pick-up truck outfitted with two facing benches for passengers). Then to stop, just push the button on the car’s ceiling and the driver will soon know, we wanna get off. In my pict below, the red car is the sŏrng·tăa·ou and the blue one is kepo. Nice, isn’t it? Dr. Emma told me to take kepo no 11, 9 or 99 to go to the market. I tried, and yaaaayy…. very much enjoy my traveling alone, hehe…IMG_0087Then, I will continue to the next topic in my 3rd series, about how I enjoy the market, okayyy….
Have a bright dayyyyy…..

 

Breath the air of Bangkok_1

Hiii….

Yeaaayyy, I am in Bangkok now…

Yaaa… just another journey, another opportunity… Thanks God…

Well, you may say I am a scholarship seeker, well, I don’t deny that. But, you know I really like learning. This visit also closely relates to my official work. And visiting new place also means learning a new thing, right? And yes, this is my first visit to Bangkok.

I landed on July 2, 2016, at 20.00 [GMT+7] in Don Mueang Airport and felt the air of Bangkok since that time. A student of my host Professor here picked me up in the airport then we went to the guest house, a university hotel, the place where I am staying during a 1-month internship in Bangkok. It took about 2 hours to get there, a very nice, clean and neat room inside the university, King Mongkut’s Univ Technology Thonburi [KMUTT]. Then, it has been 2 weeks so far…..

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In front of KMUTT

I can say that how people live here are similar in the capital of mine, Jakarta. The price of food is also not in a big different. And the taste? Of course, I enjoy a lot. Well, I am a foodie actually, I can enjoy any food, any taste, even when some people said the food tasted strange on their tongue. Even I always wanna try food that I cant find in my country. Haha, just remembered how my friends couldn’t enjoy fresh Haring because of its taste and smell, yet I love them….

And here in Bangkok I really enjoy the sour and spicy taste in their food. Taraaa, here they are, having gud meals with gud friends are always a treasure…

You can see, even they enjoyed very healthy snack, A leaf Wrapped snack called Mieng Kham, from chaplu leaves [look like very similar with betel leaves but they are not bitter at all. Then what are inside? Chopped young-raw ginger, dried shrimp, roasted nut, grated-toasted coconut, chilli, red onion and lemon. Then put the sauce that is made from fish sauce, palm sugar, tamarind and grated-toasted coconut. Well, can you imagine the taste? its really nice, yummy, sour, hot, sweet, just like tasted a garden in our mouth hehee… i like it very much. Seriously…. you must try.

And som tam, green papaya salad, is my recommendation if you wanna try real Thai taste. And if you like hot pot, you can try cim cum. Then for breakfast, don’t forget to try the soy-milk that are usually served with grilled chicken and sticky rice. Well, the shabu-shabu looks similar with Japanese shabu-shabu, the thing that obviously different is… the hot sauce!! Yaaa, you guessed it!!

 

Well, I am lucky because every day I live with postgraduate students in Dept of Post-harvest Tech. in KMUTT and they speak English well, so I dont have any problem in communication though I cant read their letters and moreover, couldn’t speak in their language, hehe… Ya, here you can meet many foreign students. I can see from the system, equipment, students, this univ is an international one. That’s really nice point.

So, in this writing I deeply thank June who picked me up in airport, Kanlaya, Yaowapa and Pud for being friendly and patient teach me about research, Nho Thuong for the great vietnam coffee and your hospitality [you are the first one introduced me Thai food, dear], Nguyen Thi Hang Puong…yeaay welcome home in Vietnam, also Nohleek the cute girl, Bee Ben…and the guys…[haha, sorry its difficult for me to remember your names..]… And for sure my gratitute to Pongphen Sensei, you are really nice mother for all students. Ah, also Dr. Emma from The Philippines who is really helpful to me for my daily life. Really nice having a chat with you. Yes, you all deserve many thanks…. I really have gud moments with you…. And I promise I will come here again….

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Well, this is the first part of my Bangkok journey…

What I like most is, visiting traditional market here…

Hehe, but I am sleepy now…. so, let me continue tomorrow okaaayyyyyyy…. cu in the part 2…:D